Ryan McMahon is an Ojibway/Metis comedian based out of Winnipeg, MB Canada.

I’ll Kill Your Dog


Posted on 1st May, by Ryan McMahon in NEWS. 3 Comments

straight up – if you’re dog is off his/her leash at a park, and it comes running at my kids – it fucking dies.

i like animals. i grew up with dogs. but if you’re a pet owner you have a responsibility to train and control your pet in public. last night, i took my kids to the park near our house. we were playing a pretty serious soccer match (i was winning 4-0) when all of the sudden a fair sized mutt came running around the fence and went straight for the soccer ball. in full stride that little fucker turned his attention from the ball to my 3 year old. i was quite a few steps away yet and the dog got to her before i did. he knocked her down and jumped on her. i kicked the fucker and he ran. my five year old was watching this and she came running over. the dog saw her and he moved to her. now carrying my 3 year old i ran over to my 5 year old, but again, the dog beat me there. my 5 year old got jumped on but she held her own. i picked her up and i gave the dog one more kick. by this time, the owners waddled their way over to the field and they tried to wrangle the dog. i brought the kids to a picnic table and settled them down. they were crying and upset about what had happened. there were no bite marks and no real scratch marks – just two really upset little girls. then – the rage set in.

i walked over to the fence where the dog owners were and the began to aplogize immediately. i told them to save their apologies and wrangle their fucking mutt. i’ve seen this dog loose before and i let them know the next time i see the dog loose in our park bothering kids again – he’d get alot more than a couple of boots to the head. that’s when THEY started in on me for being a prick for kicking the dog. the woman took her precious little flea bag away and the guy started to get loud with me. he told me i had no right to kick the dog and “had he seen it, i would have had a problem with him.” then the rage kicked in.

now, my daughters are playing by this time, they’ve dusted themselves off and they’re on the play structure playing restaurant or whatever and i can tell they’re ok – maybe still in shock, but the tears are gone and they’re fine.

i tell the guy that i’m serious – if i see the dog loose again in the park and bothers anyone – it’d be over. i wanted to leave it at that so i walked away. he said something as i walked away and i didn’t hear what he said. i asked him to repeat himself and he did. he said, “oh big fat tough guy.” this both made me laugh and made me even more angry. i didn’t/don’t want to be the dad that gets in fist fights in front of his kids – but i was getting close to saying “fuck it” at this point. i figured words to be my fists at this point and i said something to the effect of, “i’ll kick the shit out of you, tie you up, kill your dog in front of you, and then kick the shit out of you again if your dog ever does that to anyone in this park again.” i started to walk away AGAIN and he mumbled something AGAIN. i asked him to repeat himself and he said he wasn’t scared of me. i looked back at my kids, they were on the swings, and i decided to say fuck it. i was too mad. i told the guy, “it’s fucking on.” i started to make my way around the fence to kick the shit out of this prick and he ran away.

i’m not a tough guy – just don’t fuck with my kids.





3 Responses to “I’ll Kill Your Dog”

  1. Ken says:

    This story got me fucking pumped. I hate dog-owners like this. And he sounded like a fucking dick to boot.

  2. Musky says:

    Everything about that post ruled, right from the title.

  3. Sharon B says:

    I can see that about you…even before i read this, when you have that kind of passion for your loved ones its just a natural reaction and I agree with you the guy sounded like a jerk..and little girls are not strong enough to fight off a dog no matter how big or small the dog is..I love dogs but I control my dog and when my friends come over with there little kids my dog gets put on the chain..to prevent any mishaps…that is just respecting the little ones…#imjustsaying…stay awesome Ryan.

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